Contemplating discovering my kinky side
I should have studied sociology as I am so interested in humans and their cultures. Instead, I started with the classics, philosophy, languages, and politics. I ended up working in government service for several years. This was a very formative experience and highlighted for me my main life theme: freedom. Are we really free as humans in any way? Or are we all products of our environment, etc.? Being a small cog in the machine of America’s industrial-military complex greatly affected me, and the feeling of powerlessness I experienced relates to the theme of human freedom. I am still exploring this topic of freedom in my life of thought, feeling, action, and more recently desire.
Why do we like what we like? Some things I’m only getting into now because I saw someone else do it at a jam or a party. I didn’t know that it was even an option until now. Does that mean that I freely chose that desire, or was just ‘infected’ with it as part of this kinky path and the fetish lifestyle? I’m leaning towards the explanation that my own imagination was and has been so limited and stunted in growth due to vanilla life that at this point in my path of discovery I must first learn by imitation and inspiration, and then will arrive slowly at the land of endless possibilities.
There are some fantasies, desires, and drives that I have always had that I can now explore without thinking that there’s something wrong with me. Now that I’m out in the scene, being a pervert is a good thing! I’m sure I’m not alone in this elated newbie experience of part liberation, part coming home to one’s tribe feeling, and also partly the feeling of “Oh my Gawd, this is just the beginning of a vast world of exciting, terrifying, and delicious adventures!” This is a small missive from the world of kink, and it’s a positive one.
What I can say so far: I am not driven by a massive sexual drive to fulfill all my sexual fantasies with any and everyone possible. This is a path of self-discovery and exploration for me, and my standards, hopes, preferences for the company I choose remain as high— if not even higher—now that my path involves kink. I am deeply affected by my interactions with all my fellow humans, and this thin-skinnedness means I must be selective.