Do you have a kinky fetish ?

Or are you just getting fastidious in your old age?

Photo by Євгенія Височина on Unsplash

With the increasing popularity of kinkiness in pop culture these days, even the book and film Normal People makes it seem like every young person is getting tied up and whipped without blinking an eye.

So perhaps we ought to check in on where we stand. If you’re old enough to remember when The Secretary came out, and though you were moved, didn’t think peeing in your chair was your cuppa tea, maybe you’re revisiting this world of fetishes and wondering by now, do I have one?

Or could it be we’re just getting on in years? If you can answer yes to more than 8 items on this list, chances are, you’re just getting old. See how you fare by taking this questionnaire.

1. You need matching pajamas to get a good night’s sleep. Not a euphemism—you just sleep better in matching country flannel with lace trim.
2. Going to bed before midnight gets you hot. Not getting enough sleep, on the other hand, gets you bothered.
3. The protocol of leaving the house involves elaborate steps, checklists, and special clothes in a particular order: coat, hat, purse, then dirty boots, being careful not to step upon the carpet with them.
4. You need specific pills and caffeine-laden liquids to get aroused. Making said caffeinated beverages involves an elaborate protocol of steps based upon specific cold and hot brewing methods.
5. You will go to great lengths seeking out only specific foods, and beverages of organic quality and purity to the point of your friends questioning your judgment.
6. On a Sunday afternoon, you meet with other people to discuss your niche interest in crocheting hanging plant holders. You engage in lengthy discussions about whether the bamboo-type crochet hook is superior to aluminum or steel, and debate the ideal polyester content of the yarn.
7. You look forward all week to these meetings yet need hours to recover from the excitement.
8. You have a safe word with your spouse to leave afternoon BBQs at your neighbors after a polite hour.
9. You have discussions with your friends about who is really hardcore eco-friendly or just a wannabe leftie, even though you know there’s no hierarchy of virtues and progressive values.
10. You secretly shame the members of your crochet group for their inferior selection of tools and their preference for one crochet design over another.
11. You spend hours and days searching for just the right kind of orthopedic shoe that doesn’t pinch your toes and that you can wear to multiple functions.
12. It takes you two hours to get into your Spanxx and gown/Manspanxx and suit once a year for the theater/opera/fine dining out.
13. The idea of spending the whole afternoon in bed appeals to you greatly — with the latest book by Claire Keegan.
14. You spend a lot of time considering issues of consent around vaccine mandates, school vouchers, and recycling rules.
15. You keep your special cake-making tools and equipment in a custom-designed box that no one in your household is allowed to touch without your explicit permission.
16. You regularly look forward to the delightful pain and discomfort of getting your teeth cleaned.

If you answered Yes on more than 9 items, you just might be kinky after all. Consider researching your local munch because you may have a lot in common with your kinky neighbors than you realize. Especially point numbest 16, research “medical fetish.”